This is my list of the things that have helped me enjoy and manage my visits with my mum. Often the choice is as much about what works for me as what works for her. Some visits can be very depressing, to realise the extent of her dementia, the complete inability to have a rational conversation, the likely slipping into discussions about dead relatives, you can need some real strength (and distractions!) to get through.
Some physical things are very good, - nice to touch, my mum loves to do things like roll up socks together. I’ll never forget how she touched a wet car window and how interesting it was to her.
1.) Flowers
She always loved flowers, and they are such a simple physical memory of/from someone so I try to take some every week, so that they are in the room with her. No point trying to remind her of when I'll be back or when the next is planned. (She can never remember when I would come or plan to come, so just having flowers shows she’s been remembered.)
2.) Photos
I always have photos of family that we can look at if we feel like it. Always a good distraction and always nice to be reminded of our joint history.
3.) Poetry and novels
She really enjoys being read poetry. I pick old ones I know she liked, or any with memories around them. The sound of words, the ideas in the poems. Selections from classic novels I know she's read. Poems, abstraction and dementia - there's some interesting things to explore there. She finds the ideas fantastical or natural, she always seemed interested. Particularly silly, absurd or funny poetry goes down really well..
4.) Feeding the Birds
When I saw my mothers diaries I noticed that she’d made lists of birds who’d visited her garden, and it made me realise how much she loved birds, I bought her a bird table and each week we put some out. As we sit together in her room, often we have a bird to look at and watch together. Shared attention is such a good start.
5.) Jewellery
I’ve kept old jewellery of hers to take back to her to remind her of it, or have her wear it while I see her. It’s not always possible to leave them in the home, things walk too easily. So nice to arrive and for her to try something on.
6.)Charity pin badges.
She had a collection, so I tidied up her collection, pinned them to some satin, and I go and add new ones when I think of it.
7.) Music
I have an iPod speaker so that I can bring and play music when it works. I can choose something I like or a version of a particular record she used to love.
(The loss of personal action – the idea of doing something is another one of those really hard things to get used to). So while I’m there at least we can play something.
8.) Diaries
It’s always good to be able to bring diaries and review or read through them, of other family members or of the the past.
9.) Sharing a drink.
This particular drink reminded her of her parents and so helped her connect with them. Plus it’s sweet and tasty.
10.) Charity memberships
I've kept all of my mother's charity memberships going, and so I often take fliers or magazines from them in with me. It provides a connection with her too. She was really struck by seeing a water aid advert and shared with the child the thought of having no choice - to have water. It made her want to donate - and I was able to remind her that she already did!
10.) Charity memberships
I've kept all of my mother's charity memberships going, and so I often take fliers or magazines from them in with me. It provides a connection with her too. She was really struck by seeing a water aid advert and shared with the child the thought of having no choice - to have water. It made her want to donate - and I was able to remind her that she already did!
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